Weird stuff...

Okay so I do support the idea of a reasonable amount of information on food packaging. You know things like fat content, sugars, preservatives and of course food allergy warnings like "May contain peanuts." But while I was finishing off a bit of cheddar I glanced at the last piece of the label I had just stripped away when these words caught my eye: "Allergy warning. Contains milk products." Cheese - contains milk products? Now that I call overkill.

Mind you I have seen information signs that surpass that. Like the one I used to see along 16th Avenue NW in Calgary. It was for a spinal injury clinic: "Walk-in patients welcome." Now that is just plain nasty - in a darkly humorous kind of way.

But life contains many weird and strange things that seem normal to some people. We just have to accept the notion that normal for some is weird for others and vice versa. I have never lived more than 10 years in the same city since I left home almost 40 years ago. I know other people who have never been out of their own province, who have lived in the same house all of their adult lives and who have worked one job to retirement. Now that is really weird. But it is the old normal; one that has almost disappeared.

The new normal is to move. change jobs, change careers, change, change, change... Perhaps this is a form of social evolution [if such a thing exists]. As we move further away from the tangible to the intangible [knowledge based economies, virtual communities, virtual reality] our connection with the constant or the very notion of permanence seems to become more ephemeral, less certain. What of our past or present will survive this?

Since this is the last day of 2006 it seems like an auspicious time to look back on what has changed, what has gone away and what has emerged. Much of it is weird and unexpected. We have to sort that part out and then find our way to the new year that approaches. These are exciting times with new adventures, new places and most of all new experiences. Long live weird!

The future's so bright...

I can hardly believe it but I am only two courses and some work [like a documentary film] away from completing my Master of Philosophy in Humanities [more commonly called MPhil]. Now I must start looking ahead to my doctorate.

Well actually I have been for a while. In the fall I applied for doctoral funding through the Socila Sciences and Humanities Research Council (SSHRC). Over the holidays I got a letter from MUN saying they had forwarded my application to Ottawa. Now the big wait until April.

Meantime I have narrowed down my choice of universities to two - MUN and Concordia in Montreal. I love St. John's and I have never lived in Montreal. Both schools offer me a unique mix of resources either of which will allow me to complete my doctorate. So that is Plan A.

Plan B will take me out of Canada for a few years of teaching and travel. Stay tuned.

Closing this chapter...

This is my final post about my breakup with Fiona. While I have not completed my grieving I did get some closure tonight in a simple email from Fiona. I had written to her admitting my part in our breakup and wishing her well while admitting we are over for good.

As part of this closure I have gone through all of the postings on this blog. Some I have deleted. They were too filled with anger that I must let go of so that I can heal and move on in my life. Others that still had merit I have changed by removing unfair statements and purging them of anger. They are marked as [Revised]. Please reread this blog in full so that you can see the changes in my journey and know that I am making progress, am beginning to heal. And if you have a moment,please have a kind thought for Fiona. We have both lost a great deal in all of this. We both need your understanding and care.

Healing

I am learning that healing can come slowly but it will come. I had one of my darkest days today but after working through some of my mistakes and having a honest an open talk with my son D'Arcy I feel better. I have always been a private person, trusting no one with my inner feelings most of my life. I have avoided controversy and conflict and often in the process hurt people close to me. My son helped me to understand that today.

We grieved together and when I broke down and wept, it was my son who put his arms around me and comforted me. He saved me from the despair that had brought me to a dark and destructive place. He gave me the one thing I needed most in that moment - love and in doing so he also gave me my first bit of hope in weeks.

My grieving is not over nor have I shed my last tear but perhaps now I can find my way and get through this.

Farewell to Helios

I have undertaken to simplify my life. My objective is to reduce my material possessions to the volume of two suitcases or perhaps even one backpack. I rid myself of a lot in a small bonfire in Calgary and I left behind more. I have also packed up much of what I have here and I am shipping if off.

But the biggest object was Helios so, in that he was a gift, I have given him away to my son Evan. I hope Helios continues to brighten the highway for years to come.

Death and dying...

Saddam Hussein has been hanged. To what end was he killed? I understand the impulse for revenge, the sudden passionate act of violence. But this was no act of passion. It was a carefully staged show trial and execution by those currently in power in Iraq. Do the American's have any regrets about this? Probably not but they must be just a little more nervous now that the continual anarchy and violence that dominates Iraq today will only escalate now that Saddam has been executed.

It is a sorry mess that the U.S. finds itself in and the saddest part is the horrible state of affairs they have created in their desire for revenge through crude and violent means. They had Iraq pinned down; Hussein's power was limited by the embargo and it was clear that he posed no military threat to the United States or likely anyone else for that matter. But not understanding how to use a rapier they picked up the bludgeon and let loose the dogs of war.

For a powerful nation, the Americans seem to lack any sense of sophistication or savoir fair. They could have slowly dismantled Hussein, taken him down piece by piece but now his problems are over and their nightmare deepens. There is much to be learned here but is anyone really paying attention?

Back in St. John's...

After multiple vehicle breakdowns I finally made it to St. John's last night, in a tow truck. D'Arcy's truck has issues and now it is sitting at a garage waiting to be repaired. I am trying to turn a page now that I am back here in St. John's, to shift my focus ahead to new days, perhaps even new dreams.

I must find a completeness within myself for I have learned that I can never find it with another person. That way brings only pain and sorrow, perhaps even madness. I must stop looking at the door that has closed behind me and begin to consider what choices and possibilities are ahead of me. If I cannot trust love again perhaps at least I can find peace. First I must find hope. Maybe that is all I was ever meant to have.

Change has happened and it must go on evolving. I cannot stay in the state of turmoil that is my daily routine. There are many ways I can turn now. I may stay here in St. John's to pursue my PhD or I may go somewhere else, like Concordia in Montreal. Another option is to go overseas to teach and then to travel the world - spend years out of Canada. That is a tantalizing thought I will continue to consider over the weeks and months ahead.

And so this is Christmas...

Well another Christmas Day has almost passed and I find myself full of mixed emotions. I was with my children and grandchildren and that was wonderful but all day I found myself thinking of Fiona and wondering how she was, wishing I was with her.

I realize that part of the healing must involve getting through a full year of all the special days, all the traditional feasts and celebrations and accepting each time that I will never again be with her, will never again laugh and play with her, never dream extravagantly with her. The grieving will be long and will be difficult. It is like going through a house filled with memories and packing each away somewhere dark and forgotten, hoping you never discover them again.

I could easily wish for amnesia now - to simply blot out selected parts of the past eleven years. The best I can do is to numb myself with liquor and to fall in bed to sleep perhaps to not dream. I long for school to start again so that at least I can lose myself in work. Put I must go on. I have no other choice, though if I could I would choose almost anything but this.

Therapy in motion...

I have always found driving to be therapeutic and this past week I have needed lots of therapy. Driving from Toronto to Newfoundland helped some. Then on my trip into St. John's today I found that I had made a breakthrough in recognizing and accepting my own culpability in how messy and painful my recent breakup with my former partner had been.

I did and said things that caused a lot of pain for people I care about deeply and that was both unfair and unnecessary. I have written to all of them to apologize. I have never been one to hold grudges but doing that sometimes entails an intense emotional purging. This time that purging got out of control. I can only hope that anyone I have hurt in the process is not burdened with pain and anger because of me.

Soon I must prepare to make important decisions about my future but not now. I have healed in part and I have tried to heal the hurts I caused. Now I will take time to enjoy the holiday season with my children and grandchildren and sister and cousins.

No rest for the weary...

Well I have just completed my journey from Calgary to Newfoundland and tomorrow I continue on to St. John's. Helios is off the road until I can arrange to switch it over to a local license and of course insurance. So early tomorrow morning I dash off to St. John's to pick up my sons D'Arcy and Evan. We head back here the next day - Christmas Eve. Hmmm the three wise guys? More like the three smartasses but such is life.

But for the first time in ages I feel light as a bird and free. I have no one in my life I need to account to - no one I need to accommodate and it is actually wonderful. Maybe this is what is supposed to happen. Maybe this means I will get to do so many of the things I have always dreamt about - travel - exploration. I feel like a young kid again leaving home for the first time. Even the worst things can bring change. It is an ill wind that blows no good.

All at sea... [Revised]

Well, after getting the hell out of Calgary [perhaps to never return] I spent a few days licking my wounds in Toronto the hit the road in my son's truck heading off to Newfoundland. It has been an adventure and now I am on the MV Caribou stuck at sea in high winds off Port aux Basques.

The ferry that was supposed to depart at 3:00 PM on Thursday left at 7:15 PM, arrived off Port aux Basques around 4:30 AM and now at 11:00 AM here we are. It has given me plenty of time to reflect and even heal [well at least form a few scabs]. I have no idea what comes next but it will be something new and different and perhaps exciting. I have plans to make, new adventures to plan, new dreams to discover.

I will survive. I always have but it comes at a cost and I feel diminished by the end of the 11 years with someone I loved too well. I created a love I could not sustain - too pure - too innocent. I asked too much of her and in the end we both failed. Say of him he loved if not wisely, too well.

Soon time to go...

The past few days here at my sister's inToronto have given me a badly needed respite and allowed me to restore my battered heart and soul. But in two days I leave for home, the blessed Rock where I can rest at my family home, sleep in the same bed that I slept in as a child and wander the same paths through the woods on our family property.

It is a place that many visitors have described as magical. Perhaps it lies close to the land of Faerie and so is touched by it. Many weary people have found rest and solace there and it is there I intend to go to continue with my recovery. I am stronger now; already the wounds begin to heal.

I will wander the woods, perhaps gather in a Yule tree and visit the spot I have selected to build myself a cabin. Over the next few years I plan to create own space to which I can retreat, to rest, to dream to rise again healed and whole.

Laughter is the best medicine...

It may be trite. It may be a cliche but I needed to laugh if only to save my sanity and thanks to loving family I was given the gift of laughter today.

My sister Evelyn gave my son D'Arcy two tickets to the Vinyl Cafe Christmas Concert for his birthday. The original plan was for her to go with him but in a simple act of love and compassion they agreed to offer me the second ticket. In my entire 56 years I have never received such a simple gift filled with so much love, joy and compassion. I laughed and sometimes fought back the tears and I healed a little.

There are moments in my life that nourish me and sustain me through the dark nights of the soul. This day will always be one of them. I know I still face days of pain and nights of sorrow. When we love completely - when we give over our souls to another the path to recovery is long and painful but the love and care I have received from so many friends and family these past few days will sustain me. I will survive. I will survive.

The little death... [Revised]

There are many things that happen in life that cannot be predicted, may not be expected but must be survived. I am going through that now, with the help and love of friends and family. In Shamanic paths this is known as the "Little Death", a time when you feel that everything of value, every reason for living has been violently and mercilessly stripped away from you. I can imagine that this is the closest I will ever get to wanting death.

But I am resilient and a survivor and I am surrounded by people who love me. I will make it through because I must.