Well another Christmas Day has almost passed and I find myself full of mixed emotions. I was with my children and grandchildren and that was wonderful but all day I found myself thinking of Fiona and wondering how she was, wishing I was with her.
I realize that part of the healing must involve getting through a full year of all the special days, all the traditional feasts and celebrations and accepting each time that I will never again be with her, will never again laugh and play with her, never dream extravagantly with her. The grieving will be long and will be difficult. It is like going through a house filled with memories and packing each away somewhere dark and forgotten, hoping you never discover them again.
I could easily wish for amnesia now - to simply blot out selected parts of the past eleven years. The best I can do is to numb myself with liquor and to fall in bed to sleep perhaps to not dream. I long for school to start again so that at least I can lose myself in work. Put I must go on. I have no other choice, though if I could I would choose almost anything but this.
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