I can hardly believe it but I am only two courses and some work [like a documentary film] away from completing my Master of Philosophy in Humanities [more commonly called MPhil]. Now I must start looking ahead to my doctorate.
Well actually I have been for a while. In the fall I applied for doctoral funding through the Socila Sciences and Humanities Research Council (SSHRC). Over the holidays I got a letter from MUN saying they had forwarded my application to Ottawa. Now the big wait until April.
Meantime I have narrowed down my choice of universities to two - MUN and Concordia in Montreal. I love St. John's and I have never lived in Montreal. Both schools offer me a unique mix of resources either of which will allow me to complete my doctorate. So that is Plan A.
Plan B will take me out of Canada for a few years of teaching and travel. Stay tuned.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
Closing this chapter...
This is my final post about my breakup with Fiona. While I have not completed my grieving I did get some closure tonight in a simple email from Fiona. I had written to her admitting my part in our breakup and wishing her well while admitting we are over for good.
As part of this closure I have gone through all of the postings on this blog. Some I have deleted. They were too filled with anger that I must let go of so that I can heal and move on in my life. Others that still had merit I have changed by removing unfair statements and purging them of anger. They are marked as [Revised]. Please reread this blog in full so that you can see the changes in my journey and know that I am making progress, am beginning to heal. And if you have a moment,please have a kind thought for Fiona. We have both lost a great deal in all of this. We both need your understanding and care.
As part of this closure I have gone through all of the postings on this blog. Some I have deleted. They were too filled with anger that I must let go of so that I can heal and move on in my life. Others that still had merit I have changed by removing unfair statements and purging them of anger. They are marked as [Revised]. Please reread this blog in full so that you can see the changes in my journey and know that I am making progress, am beginning to heal. And if you have a moment,please have a kind thought for Fiona. We have both lost a great deal in all of this. We both need your understanding and care.
Healing
I am learning that healing can come slowly but it will come. I had one of my darkest days today but after working through some of my mistakes and having a honest an open talk with my son D'Arcy I feel better. I have always been a private person, trusting no one with my inner feelings most of my life. I have avoided controversy and conflict and often in the process hurt people close to me. My son helped me to understand that today.
We grieved together and when I broke down and wept, it was my son who put his arms around me and comforted me. He saved me from the despair that had brought me to a dark and destructive place. He gave me the one thing I needed most in that moment - love and in doing so he also gave me my first bit of hope in weeks.
My grieving is not over nor have I shed my last tear but perhaps now I can find my way and get through this.
We grieved together and when I broke down and wept, it was my son who put his arms around me and comforted me. He saved me from the despair that had brought me to a dark and destructive place. He gave me the one thing I needed most in that moment - love and in doing so he also gave me my first bit of hope in weeks.
My grieving is not over nor have I shed my last tear but perhaps now I can find my way and get through this.
Farewell to Helios
I have undertaken to simplify my life. My objective is to reduce my material possessions to the volume of two suitcases or perhaps even one backpack. I rid myself of a lot in a small bonfire in Calgary and I left behind more. I have also packed up much of what I have here and I am shipping if off.
But the biggest object was Helios so, in that he was a gift, I have given him away to my son Evan. I hope Helios continues to brighten the highway for years to come.
But the biggest object was Helios so, in that he was a gift, I have given him away to my son Evan. I hope Helios continues to brighten the highway for years to come.
Death and dying...
Saddam Hussein has been hanged. To what end was he killed? I understand the impulse for revenge, the sudden passionate act of violence. But this was no act of passion. It was a carefully staged show trial and execution by those currently in power in Iraq. Do the American's have any regrets about this? Probably not but they must be just a little more nervous now that the continual anarchy and violence that dominates Iraq today will only escalate now that Saddam has been executed.
It is a sorry mess that the U.S. finds itself in and the saddest part is the horrible state of affairs they have created in their desire for revenge through crude and violent means. They had Iraq pinned down; Hussein's power was limited by the embargo and it was clear that he posed no military threat to the United States or likely anyone else for that matter. But not understanding how to use a rapier they picked up the bludgeon and let loose the dogs of war.
For a powerful nation, the Americans seem to lack any sense of sophistication or savoir fair. They could have slowly dismantled Hussein, taken him down piece by piece but now his problems are over and their nightmare deepens. There is much to be learned here but is anyone really paying attention?
It is a sorry mess that the U.S. finds itself in and the saddest part is the horrible state of affairs they have created in their desire for revenge through crude and violent means. They had Iraq pinned down; Hussein's power was limited by the embargo and it was clear that he posed no military threat to the United States or likely anyone else for that matter. But not understanding how to use a rapier they picked up the bludgeon and let loose the dogs of war.
For a powerful nation, the Americans seem to lack any sense of sophistication or savoir fair. They could have slowly dismantled Hussein, taken him down piece by piece but now his problems are over and their nightmare deepens. There is much to be learned here but is anyone really paying attention?
Back in St. John's...
After multiple vehicle breakdowns I finally made it to St. John's last night, in a tow truck. D'Arcy's truck has issues and now it is sitting at a garage waiting to be repaired. I am trying to turn a page now that I am back here in St. John's, to shift my focus ahead to new days, perhaps even new dreams.
I must find a completeness within myself for I have learned that I can never find it with another person. That way brings only pain and sorrow, perhaps even madness. I must stop looking at the door that has closed behind me and begin to consider what choices and possibilities are ahead of me. If I cannot trust love again perhaps at least I can find peace. First I must find hope. Maybe that is all I was ever meant to have.
Change has happened and it must go on evolving. I cannot stay in the state of turmoil that is my daily routine. There are many ways I can turn now. I may stay here in St. John's to pursue my PhD or I may go somewhere else, like Concordia in Montreal. Another option is to go overseas to teach and then to travel the world - spend years out of Canada. That is a tantalizing thought I will continue to consider over the weeks and months ahead.
I must find a completeness within myself for I have learned that I can never find it with another person. That way brings only pain and sorrow, perhaps even madness. I must stop looking at the door that has closed behind me and begin to consider what choices and possibilities are ahead of me. If I cannot trust love again perhaps at least I can find peace. First I must find hope. Maybe that is all I was ever meant to have.
Change has happened and it must go on evolving. I cannot stay in the state of turmoil that is my daily routine. There are many ways I can turn now. I may stay here in St. John's to pursue my PhD or I may go somewhere else, like Concordia in Montreal. Another option is to go overseas to teach and then to travel the world - spend years out of Canada. That is a tantalizing thought I will continue to consider over the weeks and months ahead.
Monday, December 25, 2006
And so this is Christmas...
Well another Christmas Day has almost passed and I find myself full of mixed emotions. I was with my children and grandchildren and that was wonderful but all day I found myself thinking of Fiona and wondering how she was, wishing I was with her.
I realize that part of the healing must involve getting through a full year of all the special days, all the traditional feasts and celebrations and accepting each time that I will never again be with her, will never again laugh and play with her, never dream extravagantly with her. The grieving will be long and will be difficult. It is like going through a house filled with memories and packing each away somewhere dark and forgotten, hoping you never discover them again.
I could easily wish for amnesia now - to simply blot out selected parts of the past eleven years. The best I can do is to numb myself with liquor and to fall in bed to sleep perhaps to not dream. I long for school to start again so that at least I can lose myself in work. Put I must go on. I have no other choice, though if I could I would choose almost anything but this.
I realize that part of the healing must involve getting through a full year of all the special days, all the traditional feasts and celebrations and accepting each time that I will never again be with her, will never again laugh and play with her, never dream extravagantly with her. The grieving will be long and will be difficult. It is like going through a house filled with memories and packing each away somewhere dark and forgotten, hoping you never discover them again.
I could easily wish for amnesia now - to simply blot out selected parts of the past eleven years. The best I can do is to numb myself with liquor and to fall in bed to sleep perhaps to not dream. I long for school to start again so that at least I can lose myself in work. Put I must go on. I have no other choice, though if I could I would choose almost anything but this.
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