Tell me what you want, what you really really want...

Sometimes we get insights not from a single incident or accident or hint or allegation but from a string of bits and pieces. Simple fragments that bump into each other inside our heads in strange and wonderful ways and in an almost magical way open a window into a perspective that we did not have.

We don't always recognize how it happened but today was different. In fact the past two days were different because the fragments emerged over an extended period. If you have been reading this blog you are aware that I am working through some serious shit these days - to say the least.

One of my big choices that I do not want to make now but must position myself for is what I do once I finish my Master's at MUN. Plan A was doing my PhD at the University of Calgary along with Fiona. Plan A took a bit of a beating and appeared dead. Plan B was to apply to Concordia and MUN until I found that MUN does not have the right program for me. Plan C seemed to be pointing to the sole choice of Concordia or Plan X (as in exit) was to have me leave the country and go teach somewhere. Plan X is still undisturbed and awaiting activation if required.

Then one of those random fragments popped up in a comment from a classmate who asked me why I was giving up on Calgary when it was such an excellent match for my academic needs. While I did not totally commit to his suggestion I did keep the process alive by starting an application to U of C and requesting references. Still I have until February 1 to apply and I won't have money for the application fee until next week. So need to make the decision to even leave myself open for a future decision. {Are you following me so far?}

Today I attended the Orientation for the Graduate Program in Teaching, a 12 week course that I have been really looking forward to. In that class I was reminded just how much I want to teach. Fragment number 2 began to float about inside my brain.

Today I went for a counselling session at the Wellness Centre. The psychologist was quite good and asked few questions and very little advice. The two most important things she said were "You seemed to have a very clear image of teaching in Calgary, at the university and at Mount Royal" and "Don't make any big decisions anytime soon." Fragment 3 and fragment 4.

I had already told myself to keep my options open but I just had not been ready to even keep Calgary as an option. Today I recognized that I am ready to do that, not to go back to Calgary [that will take a lot longer even to simply visit] but to simply consider the idea.

So to mix a few metaphors, I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel but I am starting to see the forest despite all the damn trees!