And that's where it all started to go wrong...

Right now we are doing a course on autobiography in my Humanities program. Our courses all start out with a BIG question. This time the question is: "Is autobiography a literary genre?" Now that seems like a simple, non-threatening question, quite reasonable actually. But already we are having issues. And it started with Augustine of Hippo (St. Augustine to some). Our first text is Augustine's Confessions. The discussion today was pretty lively and wide ranging.

But I have already encountered what I see as an essential flaw in Augustine's thinking and it is one that has shaped not only Christianity but Western thought ever since - Original Sin. Now many people (well Roman Catholics really) like to claim this one of the inherent premises upon which they base their entire religion. Now you may like to think that this idea goes right back to the whole Garden of Eden incident but no it took a reformed sinner to claim that we are all intrinsically flawed at birth, defective and hardwired to do wrong, to sin.

Now you can see where this presents some problems for ordinary people in their everyday lives. It is as if you were born owing money. Before you are out of diapers the vigor is building up and you have got an upward struggle just to break even. Fact is you are not even going to manage that, at least without some divine intervention. Of course the whole idea here is that you need the church to talk to God and God to solve your problem of being a sinner.

Augustine lived in a time when the emerging Christian church still had some serious competition from schisms and of course from the established pagan religions of the Roman Empire. Of course they did not think of themselves as being pagan. That came from some historical revisionism the Roman Catholic Church pushed through once it got control of Western civilization.

So with a power struggle going on (think of it like an ancient version of the Cola Wars) the Christian leaders were looking for a good angle to establish a solid market share. Well Augustine had a doozy with the Original Sin. I mean, talk about franchise contracts and product branding. All of a sudden we all have a problem and guess what, Christianity has the solution. Dare I say it - a match made in heaven!

Trouble is it didn't end there. It never does. After a few years of monopoly other groups wanted in on the action. First they tried a few internal takeovers, you know stack the board and dump the chairmen. At one point it got downright silly with two Popes, one in Rome the other in Avignon. When that failed, Luther decided it was time to start a whole new strategy and the Protestant brand was launched.

It got really ugly after that. Lots of religious wars. Heresy trials and burning at the stake. Now through all of this no one even thought of throwing out the whole Original Sin concept. It was just way too powerful. Not every culture really bought into it of course. There seems to have been some resistance in England but more acceptance on the continent. Take a look at the legal systems based on British Common Law versus the model used in France. One says that the accused is innocent until proven guilty beyond the shadow of a doubt. The other requires you to in some measure prove your innocence.

So here we are in the 21st century still debating the issue, still divided over just exactly how we are supposed to make it out of this life in one piece when we start out behind the eightball. Personally, I rejected the whole idea of sin a long time ago. In the end none of us may know but at least my idea does not get anyone burned at the stake or vilified in the press.

The contemplative life...

I was walking down the hallway towards our kitchen when it struck me just how content I feel right now. I realised that I have found a contemplative life that affords me the luxury of living at a leisurely pace. I don't use an alarm clock unless I have an early morning appointment after a late night. I rarely get up before 10:00 AM and then it is a slow emergence out of my comfy bed.

I have exactly 10 hours a week that have a fixed schedule for classes and for three of those I am shadowing my supervisor for my Graduate Program in Teaching course. I read extensively and think about what I want to do next.

I have no obligations to anyone but myself and I am responsible to/for know one but myself. Every major decision I make from now on requires no one's assent but my own. I had though I would be incredibly lonely on my own but in fact now that I am not in a long distance relationship or any relationship I don't feel lonely at all. What I feel is unburdened, free to explore my own life, dream my own dreams and I don't have to justify anything to someone else.

That does not mean I am holed up in my room shut off from the outside world. Just the opposite in fact. I have the freedom now to go where I want, when I want and I don't have to be anywhere but where I want to be.

Perhaps I am meant to be single. It certainly feels good right now.

Little things that comfort...

Blaise Pascal argues that we are made happy by little things because we are irritated by little things. Take me this morning. I was feeling a little chilled so I reached for my sweater that was draped across the couch in my room. Now this is no ordinary sweater. It is the last sweater that my mother ever knit for me. It is a burgundy coloured homespun wool cable stitch pullover with a crewneck. I have had it for about 12 or fourteen years but it looks new.

That is because I knew it was the last one she might knit for me because of the arthritis that was attacking her hands and making knitting jut too painful. Putting it on not only made me feel warm; it made me feel the love that went into it. There are likely still many sweaters that my mother knit for family and friends floating around the world. She was a very gifted person who could knit, and crochet, embroider, hook colourful mats from scraps of cloth and tat lace. These were the ordinary skills that so many women of my mother's generation acquired as young girls but she raised her work to an art form.

So when I put it on I could see her there, knitting and laughing chatting away without even looking at her needles. I am sure that when she fell asleep in the middle of some project she did not drop a stitch. When I put it on I could feel her arms around me with all of the love a mother can offer her child. When I put it on my loneliness evaporated and I felt loved and watched over.

All the possible possibles...

Life is still very exciting for me simply because I can see so many possibilities ahead of me. I know not all of them can happen; there just isn't enough time but that i snot the point. What actually matters is that I can see what I need to do right now to makes sure I keep those possibilities out there so that when the time comes I'm ready to act or at least to choose.

I like to plan in three stages. First I have short term plans, along with medium term plans and finally long term plans. Many of them are interconnected but not all. For instance some things in my immediate timeframe [today and tomorrow, and maybe the next day] have no extension beyond then. Other things do. What I have for breakfast is relatively unrelated to the next day but reading today for a class on Wednesday is integral.

In the medium term I am looking ahead to April when I will know if I am getting a SSHRC scholarship for my doctoral studies. By that time I will know if I have been accepted by Concordia and/or the University of Calgary [yeah - you read correctly]. My short term plan was to get my applications all together and in by the deadlines. With everything in place it becomes possible for me to decide if I am going to start on my doctorate in the next school year.

The other option is to travel and to work overseas, saving money for school later. I have started researching overseas opportunities so that I will be prepared to look for work if that is what I decide to do.

Meantime on definite plan is a really nice vacation somewhere exotic and warm. I do have family I could visit but for now I am focusing on going somewhere that I will be pampered and spoiled. We all need that occasionally and I am really looking forward to spending my next birthday, on a beach, sipping a tall cool drink and soaking up the tropical sun. Oh - and having someone rubbing sunscreen down my back.