That was the mantra of a drama professor I had during my undergraduate studies at the University of Calgary. It is wonderful advice but it is so difficult to actually do.
I have eleven years of my past that I feel so conflicted about. Much of it is good but so much haunts me still. I want to be able to blot out parts not because they are bad but because they bring the pain of absence, a reminder of all that is lost. Sometimes I believe it would be so much easier if we could have amnesia on demand. If I could just forget the woman who broke my heart then perhaps I could focus on today and dream about tomorrow. But there is a void in my life that keeps filling up with the past.
I do dream but these days my dreams are filled with ordinary reminders of the recent past and their very ordinary nature is what makes them so terrible. I have tried to rationalize what I am going through but self-talk has its limitations and there are days and nights when the struggle is very hard.
Perhaps a complete change of scene would help but even then wherever you go, there you are. Still, a break from winter would be a definite plus and I am looking south towards the Caribbean with dreams of white beaches and warm tropical waters. All I need to decide is Jamaica or Cuba or maybe both.
In the end I know that I must move on and I will because I love life and I have so much I still want to do and see.
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
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