I have been back in Calgary for almost 3 weeks now and I have been reflecting on how much things are the same. I do feel like I have come back to a home - not the home but a home. So much is familiar and provides a sense of belonging. I have so many friends here. I feel entirely at home at the university.
But it is impossible for me to ignore the differences. I am not in my previous relationship. I now live in the SW instead of the NE quadrant of the city. My stepson Dylan is not down the hall from me. I am trying to start new relationships while reconnecting with some old ones. Strangely enough the is also a sense of tension dissipated when I encounter some of the people I previously knew at the university - as if Fiona's absence from my life is making things easier for me.
At the same time I have to acknowledge that I have moved from being an undergraduate to a PhD student and that alone is sufficient to alter the whole dynamic of my life at school. I now hold a position that I must be cognizant of as I negotiate my various relationships in the Academy. It is not one of power or authority but one of privilege. As such I find myself placed at the intersection of student and scholar where enormous change may occur within my live experience. I am on the cusp of a profound change in my identity and I am continually reminded that it will not be an easy task but one that demands an enormous commitment from me.
I cannot help but be both thrilled and somewhat daunted by the expectations I have created for myself.
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Now playing: Future Sound of London - 002
via FoxyTunes
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Wisdom and Madness...
Just days before I left St. John's for Calgary my dear friends Paul and Mona threw a party for me. It was a going-away/got your Masters/debut your film party attended by some of the most interesting people I had met during my stay in the city.
As is their wont Paul and Mona presented me with a gift or two gifts actually. The first was in a small bag they described as containing wisdom; the second in a large bag filled with madness. Each bag held a book. Madness came in the form of a beautifully illustrated, massive hardcover copy of Cervantes' Don Quixote while wisdom was proffered through Chogyam Trungpa's Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior, a small paperback that could easily be tucked into a jacket pocket.
I have been reading the latter book over the past two weeks and using it as a meditation tool. It has helped me to regain a sense of calm and to deal with the enormous changes that are happening in my life now. I have learned that I can actually meditate - something that may surprise many of you who know me well. I do not believe I have ever been regarded as one who sit in such repose and to open myself to the experience of letting go.
Yet, that is what I am learning to do. I am struggling to let go of ego and self-image and to see myself not separate from the greater existence that is the universe but as an integral part of it. This does not imply some great significance for my role but an understanding that I do have a place as do we all. It is our responsibility to understand that we each have a place, a purpose and that we will find both wisdom and happiness by trying discover just what that means for us.
Our journey then becomes purposeful in and of itself for through it we gather the threads of our existence into a coherent pattern filled with meaning and offering the possibility of wisdom. Madness comes when we abandon this journey and obsessively focus on some destination that we believe is our true purpose. Fame, money, power all lead to this. They are illusions that distract us from seeking wisdom. There are so many possibilities along this path and each represents a form of madness.
As is their wont Paul and Mona presented me with a gift or two gifts actually. The first was in a small bag they described as containing wisdom; the second in a large bag filled with madness. Each bag held a book. Madness came in the form of a beautifully illustrated, massive hardcover copy of Cervantes' Don Quixote while wisdom was proffered through Chogyam Trungpa's Shambhala: The Sacred Path of the Warrior, a small paperback that could easily be tucked into a jacket pocket.
I have been reading the latter book over the past two weeks and using it as a meditation tool. It has helped me to regain a sense of calm and to deal with the enormous changes that are happening in my life now. I have learned that I can actually meditate - something that may surprise many of you who know me well. I do not believe I have ever been regarded as one who sit in such repose and to open myself to the experience of letting go.
Yet, that is what I am learning to do. I am struggling to let go of ego and self-image and to see myself not separate from the greater existence that is the universe but as an integral part of it. This does not imply some great significance for my role but an understanding that I do have a place as do we all. It is our responsibility to understand that we each have a place, a purpose and that we will find both wisdom and happiness by trying discover just what that means for us.
Our journey then becomes purposeful in and of itself for through it we gather the threads of our existence into a coherent pattern filled with meaning and offering the possibility of wisdom. Madness comes when we abandon this journey and obsessively focus on some destination that we believe is our true purpose. Fame, money, power all lead to this. They are illusions that distract us from seeking wisdom. There are so many possibilities along this path and each represents a form of madness.
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