Being in Victoria right now is wonderful. The city has a calm about it that can be nurturing to the wounded soul. The sight of flowers blooming, and grass that stays defiantly green in December is so refreshing. The smell of the ocean, so much softer than that of the Atlantic reminds me that I am far from one home. But still I am at home here.
I have not telephone and in order to connect to the Internet I have to go to one of the local coffee shops that has a free Wifi hotspot. It feels so liberating to have that much control over my life right now – to be in touch or to remain disconnected.
I came here to relax and to reflect on my life – to contemplate the choices that I have in front of me. The possibilities are not endless – I am too old for that. But they remain tantalizingly rich and varied. As I prepare to travel farther along through this time in my life I can choose where to be and what to do with no need to consult anyone. Each choice I make is for me and me alone. It has been a long time since I was able to even consider that.
I have spent most of my adult life as a shared existence. I do not regret that. I have known love, and passion, pleasure and pain. I have watched in wonder as my three birth children have grown into amazing adults. Now my stepson approaches that magical threshold between adolescence and maturity and I know he will be fine also. And I have twin grandchildren who offer me renewed joy.
I could look for love again; seek yet another mate but there is reluctance in my heart. There are women I could love but I find myself unwilling to. I enjoy their company, the mutual pleasure that passion can bring. My heart has become guarded and wary and unwilling to allow itself to be shared beyond a certain point.
So as I sit here in Victoria I try to imagine myself being alone and rather than feeling sad I feel elated, and free. It is as if the whole world is open to me now.
