My last post was two months ago. It is not that I have abandoned this blog; it is more that I have been immersed in a kind of brain soup where I have been trying to get my bearings - to reorient myself since I came back to Calgary. When I went back home last December one of my big hopes was that I would find work there - perhaps teaching. Nothing happened.
So being the pragmatic person that I sometimes aspire to be, I packed a suitcase and headed back to Calgary and my partner Margo. I am still somewhat floating around in a fog but now I do occasionally glimpse solid ground where I may someday stand. I have teaching work here and there are days when I believe it is okay. "I can be happy here." But there are other voices that tug at me - drag my eyes to the distant horizon - whisper "You haven't been there yet..."
Perhaps that is how my life will always play out - the stirring of my blood - the wanderlust - the yearning to be away... For now though, I have fog to navigate, landfall to make. I have a dissertation that is taking shape slowly but certainly. I have a course to teach with the tantalizing possibility of other courses - other topics to explore.
Yet still I am sometimes more bothered by certainty - perhaps predictability - than unknown possibility. I do not want my life to be a book already written - simply waiting for its pages to be turned. And right now I find that I am in a liminal state - that time in-between where I am not anymore and not yet. Not who I was and not yet who I may become. The nearest thing I can compare this to is when I graduated from high school some forty-three years ago.
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